If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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