he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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