And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
