headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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