My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
