HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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