OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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