...so i touched it.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
