I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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