the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
