you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
