I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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