I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
