Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
