The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
