In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize