Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
