there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just blew my weed a kiss
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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