one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
