I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
