The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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