turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
