Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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