Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just google imaged poop.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
