and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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