ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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