We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
