I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
