so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
