Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
