Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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