if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
