why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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