i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
