Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
