dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize