So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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