Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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