Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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