Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
