Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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