I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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