so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize