just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
