The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
