thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
