the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
