pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
