When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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