I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
