did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
