She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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