my phone needs a breathalizer
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
