yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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