Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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