things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
