fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
