barbara walters just said penis...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
