No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That accounts for only three of the penises
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
