okay pat passed out under dana's car
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
