my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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